


Start Again.

by geeisajacketslut



Category: Bandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Death, Letters, M/M, Sort of inspired by How Many Letters Are In Goodbye (the book-not my fic), Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-18
Updated: 2016-05-18
Packaged: 2018-06-09 04:25:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6889918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/geeisajacketslut/pseuds/geeisajacketslut
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been a day. A week. A month. A year. The length of time doesn't matter because you're not coming back. You're gone, Tyler. I can't fix it and it fucking sucks.</p><p>// Tyler's gone and Josh can't stop writing letters to him. \\</p>
            </blockquote>





	Start Again.

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: In case you didn't see, MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH [I have to say this bc I always miss it]

Dear Josh,

I’ll miss you forever. You were my heaven and Earth.

 

But I had to go. I needed to. I had to make it to paradise and this was the only way. You’ll see me soon enough.

 

I love you.

~Tyler

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Dear Tyler,

You’re gone. You’re really gone. Why. Why. Why. 

 

Maybe if I had paid attention, you’d be alive. Maybe if I noticed the sparkle in your eye, that it was slowly vanishing, maybe I could have stopped you. Haha. Eye and alive rhymed. You would’ve punched me just now. I can feel a bit of pain in my arm.

 

I miss your kisses. I wish I had know that that one was our last one. I would’ve made it count. I would’ve held you longer. I wouldn’t have let go at all. 

 

I refuse to take off your t-shirt. It’s sticking to me, covered in your sweat and mine, but if I wash it, it won’t smell like you anymore. I wanna be able to feel you all the time. I can’t take that risk washing it because I miss you so fucking bad.

 

It’s been a day since I got the call. I didn’t believe your mom at first. I know she wouldn’t lie, but I didn’t think you’d do this. I didn’t pay attention enough. I didn’t wanna go to the hospital and see you all comatose. What was I supposed to say if you supposedly couldn’t hear me. There was too much to say, but I knew I couldn’t say it all in a two minute hospital visit. Especially when I wanted to do more than talk. I wanted to hear you sing and feel you hold my hand.

 

I’m supposed to speak at your funeral. How can I? Do I tell them about our romance? How it ended too soon? Do I tell them about the band? Do I tell them my favorite thing about you. Because I have too many. They’d sit there for hours as the words flowed out of my mouth. They’d sit in fear as I begin to cry as I am describing how you really were.

 

Funerals suck. Why did you have to go and die? 

 

I hope this a bad joke. I hope you’re show up at my window again, and be like “I was camping!” or “I was finding myself!”

 

I don’t wanna see your body all dressed up in a suit. I don’t wanna see you at all because that’ll mean that the last time I saw you, you weren’t alive. You weren’t laughing. I want our last time together to be happy.

 

Why’d you have to go and die, Tyler? Why?

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Dear Tyler,

It’s been a week. I haven’t been to school at all. I haven’t left my room too much. I’ll wanna go to your locker, which they conveniently cleared out without asking me. I don’t wanna look at your desk that has your initials sketched in it. I don’t wanna go to my classes and stare at that empty space where you should be. I don’t wanna walk by the bleachers where we had our first kiss. I don’t wanna see the teachers who will try and comfort me. I don’t wanna talk to the guidance counselor about what’s wrong because it’s not like she can fix it.

 

You’re gone and no one can change that.

 

I hope that one day I’ll wake up and see that you’ll be okay. 

 

At your funeral, they played our demos. It made me remember all those moments when we recorded them. Every day floated back into my memory. The days where we were both so frustrated and we set one of my drumsticks on fire. That one day that was going so well and we were so productive-but then the power went out. It was like I could feel you next to me as I listened. 

 

Your mom wrapped her arms around me and cried. We sat there and cried for a long time. She gave me a couple of your things to keep. A couple of t-shirts, one of your basketball trophies, your ukulele and some of your drawings. I placed the shirts and drawings into a box to preserve them. I could see some dried tears on the paintings. I placed the box in my closet where no one would find it.

 

I placed your basketball trophy next to the piano. One of our unfinished songs sits on the music stand. I don’t wanna finish it. It’ll never be as good as what you had planned.

 

I think about our last day together. You’re never off my mind. You’re what occupies my thoughts 24/7. 

 

You always said they’d never catch you. I guess they never really did.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Dear Tyler,

It’s been a month since you left. I say “left” because I’m still holding on to you. I’m still grasping onto the concept that you never left. That if I sho up to your house, you’ll be sitting in the treehouse sketching, or in your bedroom writing, or in the backyard reading.

 

I’m crying again, Tyler. I can’t stop thinking about that tear you created. I want it gone. I want it to be gone.

 

Our anniversary passed. I make you a painting an threw it in the river. _Our_ river. 

 

And I’m fucking crying again.

 

I can feel you everywhere. Your hands scraping down my back. Your fingers tangled in my hair. The pads of your fingers on my thighs. I feel it all.

 

We were gonna graduate next month. We were gonna go big and tour together. We could’ve lived our dreams

 

I can barely focus on my essays because I hear you.

 

I hear your voice in the wind, in the trees, in the car. 

 

I’m going 80mph and you’re on my mind.

 

Who’s idea was it to fuck with the universe?

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Dear Tyler,

How many letters will I have to write to finally say goodbye to you?

 

How many more words do I have to send to you until I’ll be done?

 

How many more times do I have to throw myself into these letters and mail myself to you until I’ll be content?

 

I wanna know.

 

When can I forget about you.

 

It’s been six months without you. The length doesn’t matter anymore because I can’t fucking fix it.

 

School wasn’t the same. Graduation sucked. It was too quiet and they talked about you too much. You were supposed to speak. 

 

They put your picture on the wall in the hallway. If you ever thought you were invisible, you sure weren’t. 

 

I wrote a song for you. I can’t sing at all, so I left it by the river, just in case you wanna sing it.

 

I miss you, Tyler. I really fucking do.

 

We’re both so happy in my dreams, our dreams could’ve been our reality.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Dear Tyler,

You’re dead and it fucking sucks. If I had told someone that you were showing signs, I could’ve stopped this. I could’ve saved you. This would’ve never happened. 

 

You’re really gone.

 

It’s been an entire year without you.

 

I haven’t left my room most of the time. 

 

I painted all my walls.

 

I scratched your lyrics into them.

 

Wrote it up on the wall, marked them up with your words.

 

Your favorite things you’ve ever written; all marked up so I can never forget how much they meant to you.

 

I want this to be over.

 

When will this nightmare end.

 

~you’re in my dreams, but for the first time, i want you to leave~

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Tyler,

Three years and counting.

 

You’re never off my mind.

 

My mom made me go to a lady who told me you’d never come back. You’d never talk to me ever again. I have to forget about you.

 

Your family moved away a year after you passed. They never came back. 

 

I miss you. I love you. I loved you more than I loved anyone else.

 

They sold the house and a preppy family moved in. Now I can’t go back to your room ever again. I hope they didn’t paint over your mural.

 

I cry myself to sleep sometimes because one of your songs comes on my playlist.

 

Let me be, Tyler, just let me be.

 

I wanna live life again.

 

Someone, anyone, let me forget.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Dear Tyler,

Five year anniversary. 

 

I didn’t go to college.

 

You were the only thing getting me through school. The only thing getting me through life. You were my drug. My addiction. You were my everything.

 

I never leave my house. Where will I go? No one comes to visit anymore. They’re all afraid of what I’ve become.

 

I’m afraid of myself.

 

I just wanna forget.

 

Save me.

 

Now that you’re really gone, I guess there’s only one thing left to do.

 

I love you, Tyler.

 

“Welcome to Paradise”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank u for reading! I got this idea in the shower and ran to get a pen + paper to write it down.
> 
> Tumblr: Queen-of-the-otps


End file.
